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To obtain
permission to reprint any or all portions of the below article
written by Mike Domitrz,
e-mail
mike@thedatesafeproject.org.
All He Had To Do Was Ask! Where Is The Outrage?
Press Release from "The Date Safe Project" on January 1, 2004
A statement
earlier this week by the spokesman of a County attorney’s office
in Phoenix is one of the most devastating setbacks to all sexual
assault education and awareness efforts across this country.
When charges are not pressed against a person, we usually hear
the district attorney’s office say, "We did not find enough
evidence to proceed with criminal charges." In this case, the
County Attorney’s
office chose not to make that statement. Instead, the office was
quoted as saying, ". . . he could not have known the 22-year-old
woman who accused him did not consent." When did ignorance of
the law free you of guilt?
Since this allegation involved a high profile athlete, much of
the national media reported this story. By hearing this one
sentence from a prosecution office, men and women across the
country could be incorrectly lead to believe: if you don’t know
you are sexually assaulting someone, you won’t be charged with a
crime.
Mike Domitrz, renowned national expert on sexual assault
awareness states, "The exposure resulting from recent high
profile athletes being accused of sexual assault is distorting
our country's view of sexual assault and rape. Is it the
average athlete's fault? No. Sexual assault is occurring
between people of all lifestyles and backgrounds. Our society
simply focuses on the high profile athlete because they are
considered 'newsworthy'. The distortion of the issue occurs
when people jump to conclusions from statements that result from
these news stories."
If no criminal charges are pressed in a sexual assault
allegation, we often hear people say, "She must have made it
up". The truth is that charges not being pressed can simply mean
the prosecutor didn't think he/she could win the case
(regardless of guilt). False reports of sexual assaults are
extremely rare. A close look reveals that only 10% - 16% of
sexual assaults are ever reported. Of that 10% - 16%, less than
5% are considered false reports. Take the highest of those
numbers and you get 5% of 16% -- a total of less than 1% of all
sexual assaults.
Then why is there an image that sexual assaults are falsely
reported more often than they are? "If you believe that a crime
doesn't happen very often, you feel safer ," explains Domitrz.
Each day, sexual assaults frequently happen in this country and
across the world. Sexual assault is sexual contact "without
consent" or that is "unwilling" (in most states, one of these
definitions is accurate). The key word is consent. According to
Domitrz, "As simple as this words seems, people rarely want to
talk openly about consent. Why? People take it for granted.
They think they can 'read other people's minds' or know exactly
what certain 'body language' means. The reality is that while
most people want to believe they 'know' when they have consent,
they are not 100% sure."
"Except for
physical assaults where the assailant is purposely intending to
rape the victim, a simple solution can solve many potential
misunderstandings before intimacy ever begins. Get consent. The
person being the aggressor by beginning the sexual contact
should ask for consent before engaging in the sexual contact,"
stresses Domitrz. Traveling the country speaking in schools,
communities, and on college campuses, he challenges students,
parents, educators, and people of all ages to examine their own
views on consent, dating behaviors and sexual assault. He
clearly knows and shares that the only absolute way you can have
consent to do anything in life is to ask. When you are a
teenager and you want to borrow your parent’s car, what do you
do? You ask. If you want to borrow twenty dollars from a friend,
what do you do? You ask.
A car or money is replaceable. A human being is not. The
violation of sexual assault is the most disturbing of all crimes
in our society. Even so, some would say, "Asking would ruin the
moment." If asking ruins the moment, you didn’t have much of a
"moment" to begin with. Others would say, "I can’t talk to
someone about what we are going to do in bed." Then, how can you
say you are ready to engage in sexual intimacy with that person?
If any person, man or woman, takes intimate actions toward
another person’s body, that person must be held responsible for
his or her own actions. When engaging in sexual contact with
another person, each of us has the responsibility to get consent
first.
So where is the outrage? Why isn’t anyone yelling, "Why didn’t
he ask her?" For decades, many in the media have taken the
approach of blaming the victim in sexual assault and rape cases.
In the Kobe Bryant charges, reporters, sportswriters, and media
professionals have been unfairly asking questions like, "Did she
say no?", "What did she do to stop it from happening?", "What is
her sexual past?", and "How can we be sure she didn’t want it?"
Domitrz challenges everyone to pose a simpler and more powerful
question. Ask the accused, "Did you ask?"
- written by "The Date Safe Project" LLC
To obtain permission to reprint any or all portions of the
above press release,
e-mail
mike@thedatesafeproject.org.
To get your
students leaders to become more active on creating positive
changes and raising awareness, get them the ultimate book for
peer education on healthy dating, consent, and sexual assault
awareness -- Mike Domitrz's critically-acclaimed book
May I Kiss You? A Candid Look at Dating,
Communication, Respect, & Sexual Assault Awareness
(learn more by
clicking here). Your
staff and your students will love
this interactive and educational resource!
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