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"All I can say is WOW!! I attended one
of his sessions for the Peer-Ed people and his "Can I Kiss You?"
program too and both were amazing. I truly enjoyed everything...and
everything he had to say was so true. Guys and Girls all have a lot to
learn about communication, and this is a great way to get people started
talking. Along with this, I thought his approach to talking about sexual
assault was very enlightening, and I have pledged to support survivors.
The whole program really makes you think, about everything you've done
or haven't done in a relationship. So I just want to say THANK YOU MIKE!
For sharing your time with us, sharing your message, and hopefully
opening the eyes of those around you."
-- Mary, a student from Hastings College
"I tried asking and it was amazingly easier
to do. I would definitely ask again because it was like a
load was lifted off my shoulders -- the guessing game of 'Do you really
like me?' was gone. I was asked the day after the presentation at my school. I actually told him I'd have to think about it, and the next day I said yes. I've been dating him for over a month now, and I'm amazed that he asks before everything. And I can't be more appreciative."
-- Nicole, a student from Christopher Newport University
"I attended your seminar at Iowa State
University in April. At the time, I was only in town for orientation,
and the catchy title of your seminar got my attention. I went with my
best friend who had been a victim of sexual assault, and afterward I was
finally able to respond to her better, and she was able to express
herself more clearly and realize it wasn't her fault. The incident had
happened over a year ago and now the healing can finally begin. Thank
you for your passion and dedication - I know we weren't the only ones
who were affected."
-- Stephanie, a student from Iowa State University
"I know you won't remember me. But I will
never forget your words and your compassion!!"
-- A student from a campus in NY
"I have used the 'asking first'
approach with my boyfriend and he has used it with me. It has really
helped us to have great communication with each other, and we have a
very healthy and happy relationship. Asking helps to make the
relationship more open and comfortable. If you ask first or are asked
there is a lot more trust in the relationship and the trust is
maintained far more easily. I want to thank you so much. Your
program has helped me to move forward past some issues I have had with
men and relationships. I am now in a very happy relationship with my
boyfriend who also attended your program. On our second date he used the
'asking first" approach. It really does work, and it is so
wonderful for our relationship. Again I want to thank you so much for
your program 'Can I Kiss You?'."
-- A student from the University of Dayton in OH
"There was a guy on campus to ask me out and
it was just after your talk so the words were fresh in my head (the
poster hangs on my dorm door) so at the end of the date I asked him if I
could kiss him. He seemed surprised that I would ask, but because of
that we've become closer. We respect each other and that has become the
bases for our relationship, not physical pleasure. My mum was a victim of rape and has been very worried about the same thing happening to me. I never really got it until after I heard your talk. It really made me realize things that we take for granted. I hadn't wanted to go when I heard the title of your talk, but I will never regret going to hear you speak. Your words changed my life and how I view myself and my mum. Thank you."
-- A student from Barton College in NC
"I have always been that girl who had a boyfriend, but I am currently in one of the most successful relationships I've ever had. We've been dating for a really long time and haven't lost that spark—and we're doing the long distance thing. One thing that my boyfriend does that no one else has done is ask to do things when we're being intimate. Even after dating for several months (approaching a year) he still asks if, and how, he can please me. He *always* asks, adding that he wants to do exactly what I want. It makes it my choice. It's so attractive and sexy that it's impossible to say no, but I know that if I didn't want to do something, I could tell him. Knowing that makes our relationship so much stronger. I just wanted to reiterate your point--asking can be really sexy, and doesn't have to ruin the moment at all. In fact, it can make the moment more amazing than it already was! Thanks for coming to our school and letting everyone know how good asking can be! (and feel free to share this story with other people!)"
-- Leslie, a student from Bucknell in Pennsylvania
"In the fall of 2003, you
visited Luther College to give your presentation, which as a first year
student I was strongly urged to attend. At the time, I thought the 'Can I
kiss you?' idea made sense, but that it wasn't necessarily practical.
Either way, I wasn't in a situation where a romantic relationship was a
possibility, so I put it to the back of my mind and didn't really think
about it.
This summer, I met a guy who was interested in me. We decided to get
together, and one night we were cuddling on a bench. I could tell that he
wanted to kiss me, and I realized that I wasn't ready for it, but I didn't
have the courage to flat-out refuse him. He wasn't picking up on my
nonverbal signals, and I was starting to get really uncomfortable.
Finally, unable to think of anything else to do, I started telling him
about your program. About how you'd shown us how nonverbal signals rarely
work, and the importance of asking first. Wonder of wonders, he got it! He
asked if he could kiss me, and I was able to tell him no (I was still
nervous/embarrassed by it, but it was manageable).
That by itself is perhaps a small thing, but I think that it shaped the
way the physical parts of our relationship went from that point on. He
always asked before we did anything that might make me uncomfortable, and
I was always comfortable with telling him to stop if I needed to. I really
think that having seen your program and sharing that with him helped to
make ours into a healthier relationship. So thank you, Mike, for
everything you do. It really does make a difference!"
-- Gretchen, a student from Luther College in Iowa
"I know several rape or sexual assault
survivors. I don't know why I know so many but knowing them makes my
life a better life. I would never go back and say I wish I hadn't met
any of them. To support them when they are nervous or just need a
reassurance is magical. It's hard to get used to the fact that someone
you truly love has been raped, you are angry and frustrated. However,
being calm and just a listener is all a survivor needs most of the time,
and the bond that has grown between some of my friends and I will never
be broken. The things Mike said were useful to anyone. It's true that
all you have to say is "Thank you for telling me, That means a lot. I
want you to know that if you need me for anything, I will always support
you." That may very well be one of the most influential statements that
can be made. Thanks again, Mike!"
-- Gary, a student from Bucknell in Pennsylvania
"My sister and I were both raped in the past year. She was assaulted on a
Friday and by Monday, I had heard things about it around our high
school. I also knew because I had acted the same way after being
assaulted. I opened the door and told her that if something happened,
she could tell me and I would listen. She told us what happened that
night. At the police station they asked her if she said no. I agree that
they should ask if he asked. It was great that Mike brought light to that situation
(in the "Can I Kiss You?" program). Society does seem to focus on what the survivor does and as a survivor, I know
the difference. Thank you again!!! IT (the 'Can I Kiss You?'
program) WAS AMAZING!!"
-- A student at St. Cloud State University in MN
"A couple weeks ago, you spoke
here at Gettysburg College. Just 2 days later, I accompanied a female
friend of mine to her former boyfriend's (who had raped her) house where
she confronted and said goodbye to him. She had been afraid to do so for 7
months, and she said that it was my simple supportive accompaniment that
enabled her to at long last do it. So your presentation was absolutely
correct, in that the thing a survivor of sexual assault needs most is just
to know that people support her (or so it seems from my experience). Thus
I desired to thank you for your presentation here, and I hope that other
people can benefit also from it--whether they are the survivor, or the
supportive friend as I was."
-- Joe, a student from Gettysburg College in PA
"Hi Mike, I am an athlete on our campus who
attended your seminar on Wednesday. I just wanted to let you know how
much you put things into perspective. It had never really occurred to me
that the simple action of asking for permission could really be that
powerful. I have been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half, and
we always used to joke about how me met and how the first time we ever
kissed he asked me if he could. I would always laugh and say how cute it
was, and of course all of his buddies would make fun of him and call him
feminine names. But after listening to what you had to say, I realized
that my boyfriend never really stopped asking me for my permission, even
after being with me for so long. He truly respects me and my body, and
for the first time, I am recognizing it. Nothing ever flagged my brain
when he would say something that asked for my consent, so I never really
noticed the fact that he wasn't just doing things because HE felt like
it. He wanted to make sure it was something both of us wanted. So
basically, I just wanted to thank you for opening my eyes to what I have
been oblivious to! I really hope your message touches everyone who hears
you because I know there are good people out there who can make a
difference. Thank you so much for your stories! You truly have a good
heart!"
-- Student at CSU at Sacramento
"The day after seeing this program, I ran into
a friend of mine who had also been at the presentation as well. Jokingly,
I said to him, "Can I kiss you?" At this point, I should mention that Fred
is INCREDIBLY gay, and that I am a female. And he said, "Okay!" So,
completely randomly, Fred and I shared a kiss, right there, in the middle
of the English department building. It was completely unexpected and
beautiful and it'll probably never happen again. . . it absolutely made my
day."
-- Mariah, a student at Skidmore College
"My boyfriend asked me if he could kiss me on
our first date, and I thought it was sweet, mature and above all,
respectful. We've been together for 6 months, and I think there is a
definite possibility that he is the man i might marry. And I will always
remember our first kiss being perfect. I think asking is a great way to
begin an open and honest relationship."
-- Jess, a student at University of Delaware
"My boyfriend and I are both Greeks on our
campus. The first time he went to kiss me, he pulled back. I was a
little disappointed because I really wanted to kiss him too, but then he
looked me straight in the eyes, and asked if he could kiss me. It melted
my heart. When it's truly sincere, that first kiss means so much more. So
I just wanted to let all those disbelievers out there know, that it really
does work. If a guy were to ask me to kiss him, it would mean so
much more and I would have so much more respect for that person,
especially now that I've attended your seminar. I've never tried the
asking first, because I was one of those girls who used to believe that
'it's the man's job,' but now I've realized that it's my body."
-- Meredith at Eastern Washington University
"Your program was absolutely an amazing one to watch. I happen to be a victim of sexual assault and your program
definitely helped me to realize that people do care. In my situation, i told only a few people, but no one believed me. When you mentioned how you should call up someone that you care about or even love to tell them that you're there for them, it brought tears to my eyes. When i eventually told my story, so many people did not believe me, and it hurt. I felt like no one was there for me when i needed them most. It brought tears to my eyes also because my little sister has been forced against her will to perform sexual acts on an older boyfriend she once had, and she was not ready. It made me cry because i love her so much and i wish she never went threw that pain. I called her up tonight and told her exactly what you told us to tell someone we loved. Now she had never told me this before, but she had mentioned it to my other sister who told me. But tonight she opened up and told me everything she could. And i was so glad i could be there to listen. Your program helped me to cope a little better with the feelings i have bottled up inside of me from the assault that i went threw. It helped me realize that people really do care. And i hope that everyone that attended tonight's program at
Westfield state college realizes the importance of asking. Its simple, just ask. Thank you."
-- A college student at Westfield State College in MA
"When I was 12 my grandfather sexually assaulted me. I confessed a year later, received counseling for a week, told the police my story, but nothing was done. My family wouldn’t push charges, ignored the incident, put a smile on, and pretended it never happened. They did not want to scar our family’s name, especially someone as important to the community as my grandfather...a doctor. Every family gathering, I had to share meals, give him presents, hug and kiss my assaulter goodbye, acting as if nothing happened.
I thought no one cared, until I was 17. My grandfather passed away and my older brother called me, the first thing he told me was "I remember, and I’ll always be here." That was the first time anyone in my family ever acknowledged the situation in five years.
Earlier today while I was watching you up on stage you made me feel loved and cared for. I am not a family’s shameful secret; I am a person, a survivor. Thank you."
-- A college student in Wisconsin
"You just came to my school a few short hours ago and I absolutely loved your presentation. I was really touched by your helpful information and just want to thank you, as a
'survivor.' I really wanted to meet you and tell you in person, but the crowd was too pushy and I was too close to the door before I had breathing room. I got your books and a t-shirt though, my roommate bought them for me. Because of your wonderful seminar, I called my mom as soon as I got to my dorm and told her everything about my encounter.
If I hadn't gone to your seminar, I know for a fact that I would never have told my mother, and I know now that I shouldn't have waited so long. I just want to thank you once again. My life looks much more brighter without that constant nagging feeling of doubt whether I should tell someone or not."
-- A college student in Missouri
"I will never forget the impact you have made
on my heart and those around me. I am a victim of rape, and I have been
sharing my story for about six months. Now, I took the challenge of
letting those around me know I am there for them if they ever need to
talk. Doors are opening, and someone shared with me within less than a
minute of the words coming out of my mouth. God is working through you
in so many ways, and I just pray that hearts continue to be open and
willing to listen to what you have to say."
-- A student from Hastings College
"I was in your audience tonight. I am a
freshman. I was in the front row in a black sweater, nervously devouring
my fingernails.
The attached letter (not included here to protect confidentiality)
is my Victim/Witness Impact statement that I read on August 25th, less
then 2 months ago, to my best friends father before he was incarcerated.
I came forward what will be two years ago this February 13th, two days
before my 20th birthday.
I have never felt anything close to what I felt as I walked out those
doors tonight. And like every other high school/college student has, I
have walked out the doors of quite a few of those programs. As you
said you receive dozens of emails, many of which, I’m sure share similar
stories. That fact has always left me feeling no need to send in one
more sob story, but tonight I felt different. It might be the fact that
this was the first program I have been to since I’ve come forward and
claimed my title as a ‘survivor’ or, maybe it was because I had a total
stranger tell me how proud he was of me. A man who had never met me, who
had never heard my story or seen me try and cope. I’ve heard my family,
my friends, the police, the court officials and all of the people who
have supported me through out this whole ordeal tell me how proud they
are of me how strong they think I am and so on and so forth till I was
blue in the face. But after so many times you start to not process it,
or, like in my case you continue to not.
All of those people had heard my story. You
hadn’t, like I said before. You didn’t even know I was there. Tonight
was the first night I really heard someone tell me I was brave. And it
hurt. In that room tonight I became a fighter and a survivor. I realized
that everything that happened to me should have never happened. I have
repeated that phrase ceaselessly for the past year and a half without
them ever meaning anything to me. Thank you for bringing meaning to
them. I have sat in therapy for an hour and half twice a week for the
past year and half and have not felt the way I did tonight. The program
tonight did touch so much on the type of abuse that was down to me as a
2nd, 3rd, 4th, 7th grader and everything in between. However did about
what happened to me as a freshman in high school and most recently as a
senior. The August before becoming a freshman, I began a “courtship”
with what would be a junior. I was in love. I had an upper classman, and
not just any upper classman, but the captain of the basketball and golf
teams. We started dating in November and by March he was threatening to
break up with me if I didn’t sleep with him. In April I explained to him
why I wouldn’t sleep with him. He was the first person told, but he was
the second to tell me it wasn’t a big deal. I laid in his arms and told
him how since the beginning of second grade, when I moved to Martha’s
Vineyard, Steven had been sexually abusing me. I explained to him how
Steve would call me out of bed at night, with his very own daughter in
the next bed. How he would call my parents to arrange play dates, play
dates that were kept only by him and not his daughter. When I had
finished telling this all to my John (name has been changed for
confidentiality reasons) he kissed me on the forehead and told me he
was sorry, but that if we had sex he would never hurt me like that.
Needless to say I forgot the whole thing ever happened because it was
after all obviously not a big deal. If it was such a bad thing Steve
would have never done it, and if John really loved me, and he didn’t
think it was a big deal, then it must not have been. We broke up a year
later. . .
Steve pled guilty (and confessed to) to sixteen counts of indecent
assault and battery (he confessed also to several other charges that had
not been brought up by me, but had been against me) on a child under the
age of 14, but pled not guilty to the twelve counts of statutory rape.
In the 19 months leading up to the trial I never felt as brave as I did
tonight, sitting in your audience. I wish I had heard your program
sooner. In all the other programs I had been to, none had asked
the students to ‘open the door’ for someone else. Nor had the speaker
experienced a first hand account of what rape can do to a person. When
you asked us to close our eyes tonight, I saw Julie (name replaced
for confidentiality). Julie is the daughter of Steve. What hurt me
the most, before our friendship ended, was the day she told me she
couldn’t remember her childhood. I was sad at first because that meant
she couldn’t remember all the fun we had had and all the times we had
made cookies with her now deceased mother. After I came forward I
replayed the same conversation in my head and hurt all over again. When
something traumatic happens, as I’m sure you know, you block it out.
Sometimes, even a whole childhood. Julie has yet to come forward and we
have not talked since her father was put away. Tonight however I opened
the door for her. I created a MySpace account and wrote her a message
telling her I loved her. I didn’t sign my name, but I did leave the link
and phone number to a national help hotline.
I don’t know if she’ll come forward, or if for that matter anything ever
happened to her, but I do know I opened the door, just like you had
asked us to do.
It has taken me close to all night to write this letter, which I’m sure
is filled with atrocious spelling and painfully obvious punctuations and
grammar mistakes, but that is after all why I wrote it from my college
dorm room.
I can’t explain to you what tonight meant to me. What happened to me was
not necessarily what happened to me, but the way people can reach out
and help is exactly the same. When you explained that it wasn’t funny,
that a girl could rape a guy, and that survivors find nothing about rape
amusing I looked around and realized I had been the only one in my row
not laughing. Before tonight I probably would have laughed, but
after you told me how proud you were of me and how strong you thought I
was, I couldn’t. I thought about the little boy that could easily been
in my place and I couldn’t laugh.
Thank you so much for what you gave to me tonight. I am a survivor of
acts for worse then an unwanted kiss, but from tonight on I will never
have to put up with another unwanted kiss or touch because I know I can
say no. More importantly however is that I will be damned if see a
person I love go threw the pain I did because of something I could have
prevented. This revelation could very well have come at another
time, but it came tonight and because of you."
-- A college student from NY
"Dear Mr. Mike Domitrz:
When you came to my campus, I spoke with
you about me being a victim of sexual abuse when I was teenager. When I
was in high school, I asked my girlfriend, at the time, if I could kiss
her (we were dancing). She replied, 'Yeah I guess, sure.' I think I
might have caught her off guard. Well, that was in 1999; now it is 2005,
and I am a recently un-closeted, 23 year old male. I have never been
asked, 'Can I kiss you?" Guy's mistakenly assume it is okay.
I wrote a speech for 'Take Back The Night'
(this is my speech for tonight). Here it is:
'Good Evening, My name is __________". Last
Semester, I spoke about being a victim of both physical abuse (at the ages
of 6 to 12) as well as sexual abuse (at the age of 14). However, after
attending the speech entitled: "Can I Kiss You?", by Mr.
Mike Domitrz, last Tuesday night, I have realized that I am not a victim
of the abuses; but instead a SURVIVOR. Thank You, Mike.'"
-- Damian (NY)
"I would like to thank you so
much for your words and compassion. I have never considered myself a
survivor or even a victim, but after last night I realize that I have been
involved in nonconsensual physical contact and I have a renewed outlook on
that experience after your presentation. Thank you for telling the
stories, they are so important and I have an immense respect for you and
the people you have worked with. A friend and I talked last night until
1:30 about your perspective and he was reduced to tears, we were both
truly moved. Thanks again!"
-- Student in TX
"You made something that kids normally don't want to hear about and turned it into something people will be talking about for a very long time. Thank you again for what you are doing."
--
Student in WI
"Thank you so much for your talk. I am a survivor and it brought back a lot
of the things and feelings that I went through. Everything you said was 100%
accurate to what I went through and what my family went through. Ironically
the kid that did this too me was in the room, and I can only hope that you
touched him as much as you touched me. Thank you so much!"
-- Student from PA
"Mike, I was just at your presentation and I found it to be very
helpful. I
am a freshmen and two weeks after coming up to school, I was sexually assaulted. I kept blaming myself for what happened -- saying things
like "if
I hadn't have had so much to drink, this wouldn't have happened to me."
I am
having a real hard time forgiving myself for letting this happen to
myself.
I was sitting in the second row tonight. Every word you said made me
realize I should be thankful I am still here. That is a really scary
time
for someone to go though and no one really realizes it . . .You have
inspired
me to try to get past this and work hard to keep living my life. I
thought
this could never happen to me and it did. People don't realize that
this
can happen to anyone at any time. Drunk, sober, at night or during the
day.
When you said the word survivor, that really hit home. Thanks for your
advice and support."
-- Student from NC
"I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for speaking out about
rape survivors. I saw your program two or three years ago and I just saw it
again recently. Between the two programs, I was raped by my best guy friend
(at the time). And when you spoke of survivors, I felt as if you were
speaking directly to me, and it gave me the hope and strength to talk to my
friends about what happened to me. It's comforting to know that other people
share the idea that it's not the victims fault, and that we weren't asking
for it. Just thank you from the bottom of my heart. I think if more people
had the courage to speak about rape it would be easier for survivors to
recover. I like the word survivor. I never really thought of it like that
before. It was always victim to me. The word victim is weak, and survivor
gives me hope that I will indeed over come."
-- Student from CT
"I wanted to let you know how much that presentation has changed my life.
I am a survivor of almost three years now, and everything you said touched home for me. I wish I had seen you sooner because it is such a serious and real topic.
What I really wanted to tell you is that I brought my boyfriend with me to your presentation and it has brought a change in him I can barely recognize.
He is a man's man and has a certain attitude when it comes to male and female roles. But after watching your presentation, he has a new mannerism, so to speak, with me. I knew that he loved me, but now he shows it by respecting me. He said to me, 'You know babe, even though we're together, I never want you to feel that you don't have a choice because you do. Always.'
For him to say that to me meant more than anything in the world. I just wanted to say thank you and what you are doing is amazing."
--
Student in WI
"First of all.. I want to thank you. Your presentation was one of the
best I've ever seen, if not THE best. It especially hit home for me because when I was 14 years old, I was beaten and raped by a 33 year
old man. . . Tonight when you came to Oswego and gave your presentation, it was amazing to me.
You don't know how much I appreciate someone like you and how you
presented yourself and how you affected everyone in that room. I could go on for longer but all I really wanted to say was thank you so
much. I mean that with all my heart. Thank you again."
--
Student in NY
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